Saturday, January 10, 2015

Pan's Box .. a metaphorical tale

Pan is a lover, a lover of all things fine and splendid. And what might I ask, is more splendid than the scent of a beautiful woman? The answer is of course, nothing, nothing at all.

I'd always had friendships, and I love intimacy. Depth is the lure that leads me into the hearts and minds of others, and it is depth I crave, connection at the soul level. Connections of the heart and mind, honest, open connections.. the kind that can lead to .. things.

Suffice to say I've been married .. a few times (insert large genuine grin) .. for many years I said "women claim they want honesty, but they don't want honesty, they want to hear what they want to hear." And, to be fair, in my own experience that is what I most often encountered, a decided dislike for blatant honesty.

A "society" has an operating structure of rules, both spoken and unspoken. Sets of do's and don'ts that "everyone" is supposed to simply follow without question, except, hardly anyone does, and those few who actually do, generally feature themselves as martyrs or victims of circumstance. I know, I've been one of those. It's all about a decided lack of honesty.

Among the most frustrating of the rules are the ones labeled monogamy, and exclusivity, which are essentially the same thing with different names, being used under slightly different circumstances. The breaking of the rules of exclusivity are the single most common reason that relationships fail. In general, intimacy is not allowed outside of the exclusive relationship, which leads me to consider them contractual ownership agreements, and not honest, loving relationships at all.

Intimacy.. most people hear it and assume I mean sex or something like it, and that's because it's so rare, at least in the USA it is. Even married couples with years and years of marriage often lack real intimacy between them, a damned shame in my opinion, but none of my business really, it's not my relationship. What I mean when I say intimate, is the conscious connection, transparently open, honest, and loving that can easily exist between any two people who allow it to blossom, and feed it with access to their soul. It's real connection, heart to heart connection and carries no further connotation but what is chosen by any of the people involved.. it's intimate, and it feels like love because it is. It has no conditions unless they are imposed upon it by yourself, or others and allowed to be. It's simply love, friendship, honesty, caring, consideration, acknowledgement of equality without regard to circumstance in any way.. it's inherently deep and filled with feeling. I can't imagine life without it.. how bland that would be.

Caryn had told me once that my friendships, and my flirting with other women might be a problem for her, and it was. I am a transparent person and refuse to hide anything that I am.. much (even I have some boundaries). My social media pages are wide open and unprotected by password (it's all saved on my pc, just click the fb button and voila!, you're in) my messages are left intact for her to read at any time, and that is that.. nothing to hide, nothing to remember, simple, easy, just the way I like it.

I flirt, a lot. I'm not shy or quiet about it either, if I think you're hot, and you're open to online pillow talk, it could happen if we're both in the mood for it :D I like to play, and I love to talk about.. everything. I like women, they are the best conversationalists hands down, men in general, are boring. Not all men, I have a  number of modern stone age male friends who aren't afraid to tell you how they feel about life, but face it, we're the minority. And besides, I'm not gay. I've yet to get turned on by any conversation I ever had with a guy. If I did, I'd have pursued that to find out.

So label the box Kelly flirts, although it would be more appropriate to name it relationship paradox. ie; you love me IF.. and that is what I know as conditional love, a pale shadow of what love is, and yet the most prevalent aspect of love on planet earth right now. It feels like mutually agreed, leveraged pretending.

Monday, December 29, 2014

My Current Rulebook

I have a few simple guidelines i follow. They're mostly ones i either made up myself, or found somewhere and customized for my own use. They are what helps me get through life the way that I do.. I don't know if any of them would work for anyone else or not, but if you like, feel free to use them or customize them for your own use.. I did <3

I expect that if I ask, the answer will be given to me. Of this I have no doubt at all

I don't put any limits or boundaries on how it comes, or from where

Whatever method of delivery you Choose will work equally well for you.. I've tried most of them and they all work fine.. I like what I like

I've found this next one to be true .. deny it if you like, I do all the time
The first thing that comes, the one I dismiss without a second glance.. nope, no way that could even be..  THAT IS IT.. what I'm in at that moment is called a state of denial, you can be too if you want, it does seem popular enough :D

I know my own heart and there is no valid reason to be so fucking hard on myself all the time.. but I was taught to be anyway and I learned that really well

Whenever I experience and live in a way I detest, and recognize that, and look at myself objectively, and be considerate of my own feelings, and forgive myself, and let that go, clearing it makes that leave the human collective.. it doesn't matter if that's why I'm here or not, it happens anyway.. try it, it feels great

When I can admit it to myself without hating me for it any more, it no longer really matters to me who else knows.. it's amazing how many seem to deeply appreciate that I share some of that shit <3  we all like genuine people, even if they're assholes sometimes

if I never lie I can always remember almost anything, and I don't have to panic if it comes u in conversation ten years later :D  sometimes it's really fucking hard to tell the complete truth, especially about how you feel, especially to the one/s you love the most.. respect and trust always walk hand in hand

changing how I feel about something is one of the hardest things I ever learned how to do.. and we're back to square one.. when I ask How I can change how I feel, a way always is shown to me.. accepting that is why it's the hardest thing I ever learned.. think you're tough?.. give her a whirl <3

willing consensual sex is the best cure for almost anything, and in it's own way is always good no matter what.. it can be the most loving intimate incredibly deep emotional experience you'll ever have and can include sensations in parts of your body you didn't even know you have ..  if you have two people with the courage to surrender entirely into each other.. that's my favorite part <3

love cannot be bound in any way.. it will escape regardless

 the above statement is the source of all human drama

we're all entirely and completely equal .. different people choose to experience different limitations .. I have my own set, what are yours?

ok.. I've said enough.. good night everyone, I love you

Sunday, December 28, 2014

Fuck You

Fuck this shit

what's really so fucking hard is not having you to talk to

I have this OMG energy.. and I'm feeling the two of you as you rollercoaster along the yellow brick road... which is double the omg..
and I ... no fucking wonder he's so driven to create..
I'm different.. I'm communicative and intimate/sexual primarily
well.. I'm certainly getting to know me cuz the inside won't calm down and chill.. housework isn't working worth a damn.. it's too nit picky
fuck fuck fuck... evenings are TOUGH.. I'm not a hang out quietly by myself person.. never have been really

I don't want to sound whiny bitchy and complaining.. so I'm writing you here.. it helps.. a little bit
I gather you won't see this.. or maybe yo will but by the time you do, I'll have changed again.. these periods of massive intensity are the prelude to massive change..
that said, some parts of this are passing away already.. it NEEDS said out loud in some way.. at least for me.. that is how I work.. I am seeing that in spades +

my creative flow is guided and calmly organized by my ability to remain grounded.. I'm an air sign.. half anyway and grounded is, or can be.. difficult when the intensity is HIGH..
direct communication, touching, feeling..SEX .. those ground me best eating is NOT working anymore
pot isn't doing much either
I feel the kind of edgy that acid does.. like I'm about to lose control of my sanity
tried jacking off.. hahaha.. that doesn't work much either.. fucking peanut butter sandwiches..
this is weird.. it's my whole body.. trembling like a leaf .. very slightly.. vibrating..

so.. fuck you and your need to go find yourself in some other man
fuck you for leaving me alone and broke
fuck you cuz there's no one to hug who can actually mean it
fuck me cuz I need one
fuck me for not being able to sort out this massively intense energy alone
fuck me for wanting
fuck me for feeling lonely
fuck me for having the biggest downloads ever in the history of kelly and having no one to talk about them with
fuck me cuz this whole situation is my doing
fuck me for not being able to just stfu
fuck me for being who I am
fuck my impatience
fuck my whining
fuck my desperate need to talk to someone who doesn't look at me like I have three heads..
and fuck that there is NO ONE right now and fuck that so goddamn few can even understand this
fuck that even the few real friends we have aren't part of this either
fuck that what I really really want is held
fuck this weakness
fuck that I think it's weakness
fuck that I think
fuck that there's no one to scream at
fuck that I can't even get actually angry
fuck that I can handle everything life throws at me.. sometimes I fucking hate that.. sometimes I just want to lose it and drown it out in desperation
fuck that I never allow me to do that
fuck this ever present conscious that always knows better
fuck my goody two shoes
there.. I feel a bit better.. do I forgive me?..
fuck no, there's nothing to forgive

so among other things.. If you and Johnny want to arrange time every day to just connect, talk, or whatever.. I'm open to the idea.. I get it
by the time you find this it's going to be fucking miles long.. hahahahaha
btw.. yes, I still very much love you
it's really tough needing to "have a moment" ad there's no one here to have it at

fuck that I can so easily see how this is working perfectly for both of us.. you easily internalize everything and could sit here where I'm at and DO that.. and DO things, anythings, and it allows you to process everything so easily.. so of course, you're there, where you can't internalize, but must externalize.. which hasn't ever been easy for you. Fuck you even had to reach out to him.. double fuck you for never doing that to me.

I'm exactly the opposite.. I externalize everything.. I have to..if i internalize it shit starts breaking and I want to burn the house down and throw all the shit in the garbage.. I need an outlet .. housework DOESN't work.. it just pisses me off to have to do it in the first place.. I need to walk.. lifting weights isn't working cuz these are pussy weights.. sex would be great right now.. that's the BEST cuz it's genuine communication on the deepest level.. anyone who can let it be anyway

.. fuck me for being able to see this
fuck me for not being able to just put it away
fuck that I don't know how to deal with it
fuck it.. I'm a people person first last and foremost everything else is just a way to kill time between people

hold that one last thought..

that is me in a nutshell I don't care enough about doing UNLESS there's a people involved with me doing it with a strong intimate connection
no fucking wonder I'm such a fucking nutcase and spend so damn much time on fb.. and for two days.. there is almost nothing on here I can care enough about cuz I can't really talk about THIS with just anyone and at least half the people I could talk to aren't online ... seems kind of pointed doesn't it??
Fuck synchronicity

fuck that the kids are going to be home right after you are
fuck that I can't get a week alone with you
fuck this omg ramped up motherfucking overwhelming energy
fuck that the biggest thing that's ever happened in my life is going on right now and I can't just walk up to someone and say .. hi, my wife is in seattle hanging out with her lover for a week and I'm a REALLY talkative guy who really needs someone to talk to about it all...

fuck that I feel like I have to at least low key this if not keep it generally secret cuz the world wouldn't understand and I'm not going there with you still gone, cuz I don't need that kind of; "well you really fucked up then didn't you?"
im beside myself and beside myself again.. and the other one just left to go for a walk
oh the wheels in the kelly go round and round... tra la la
fuck that I can smell you everywhere in this room
and fuck how goddamn good you smell

and fuck that the two of you are glowing and shining so fucking bright that I can see it from here
fuck that i love you both and just want a fucking hug that wouldn't even begin to be enough
fuck that I would bawl like a goddamn baby and the tears would flood the house and ruin the floors
and fuck that I can't cry
or even feel sad
fuck that I'm Mr. Wonderful door mat
hold that one.. that's huge

you almost always get your way in everything we do and everything is overbalanced in your favor
fuck that I'm a gentleman
fuck this inequality
fuck that this feels so goddamn unfair
fuck that I'm alone
fuck that I want to get laid and take 6 for the team or 36
fuck that I've allways been afraid that if I don't give you what you really want you'll ditch me in a hot second
fuck that just fuck it

fuck that I have to put my money where my mouth is and live what I think, but only half way
fuck that I have no where else to turn but toward you
fuck that right this second, I don't really want somewhere else
fuck that I'm standing here pounding on the fucking door and it's not opening for me
fuck that i feel like i got left behind .. again
fuck that, I really hit one that time and now I'm crying
fuck that I love you and miss you so goddamn much
fuck that I'm so tied to you you you
and fuck that you can walk away and go play somewhere else
and fuck that I could too but I have no offers and no money and no way to even go if i had a chance
fuck that this had to go down this way

fuck that all of this has been welling up inside of me for so goddamn long and now when it finally surfaces, you're not here, I can't see your face or look into your eyes.. I can't ask you to please look at me so I can see how much you still love me even though I sound like such an asshole
fuck that there's so fucking much in here
fuck that I keep hoping the very best for you both
fuck that you're 2 1/2 hours away and it might as well be a million
fuck that this is all going to trigger a shit ton of stuff in you too
fuck that I want to go on your page and delete all of this
fuck that I did just exactly that so you wouldn't have to wake up and feel all of this
fuck that I do this kind of consideration but not for myself
fuck that I feel guilty if I do
fuck that I feel I'm always taking advantage of everyone else
fuck that this house is a fucking pigsty
fuck that it takes so goddamn long to clean it
fuck that I couldn't bring someone home with me anyway
fuck this night
fuck this life
fuck that I'm shy
fuck that I feel old and creepy
fuck that I just want it to be really ok just to be me and still have friends and lovers and you
fuck that it doesn't feel like I have any of that right now
fuck that I'm thankful that this happened
fuck that I feel like it will all be better tomorrow
fuck that this is clearing a fucking ton of shit
fuck that I'm actually getting to know me in ways I never dreamed
fuck that I don't much like what I'm finding
fuck that I don't feel any better

fuck that this one word can mean so fucking many different things including “isn't it ironic you stupid pathetic bastard”

fuck that I'm so fucking hard on myself

fuck that shy part...
fuck that I “hear” what people mean
fuck that I let it dissuade me from approaching them to begin with
fuck that I give up without even trying
fuck that I'm so afraid to be some creepy old man

fuck that I don't really look 30
fuck that you're hot and every man my age would drop his dick in the dirt to be with you for an hour
fuck that women are so.. fuck fuck fuck
fuck that women need to be taken
fuck that women never dare put themselves out there
fuck that I have to
fuck that I know what they're thinking too fucking often
fuck that there are so few that I'd look at twice anyway

fuck this needle in a haystack bullshit
fuck that we're so goddamn spread out all over the fucking world
fuck money
fuck money
fuck money
fuck money
fuck money
gimme some fucking money
fuck that you get wonder and awe and sex and fuzzy warm hugs and I get shit

fuck you, this is MY drive that I'VE taken SHIT for ALL MY FUCKING life and I feel LEFT OUT IN THE FUCKING COLD

fuck you that this had to happen this way or you'd have just internalized that I'm just one more dirty rotten cheating bastard
fuck you that I'm here alone
fuck you that I love you so so so so so so so so so so much anyway and none of this will matter to me once I get to hold you for ten minutes
fuck you this is so fucking hard

fuck that I see things so easily
fuck that I know
fuck that I get the big picture decades in advance of anyone else being able to even grasp it
fuck that I have to just live with it
fuck that I have to work so hard and give so much to be able to get one little thing across
fuck that I feel left behind when everyone else runs off and takes it to the limit and no one ever wants to take me with them
fuck that all this has been buried so deep in me and fuck that I've learned to be so kind and gentle and patient and fuck that I don't want to have to all the fucking time just because I already know and have to wait til everyone else catches up
before I get a fucking turn.. wow fuck that made me cry

and then fuck that I have to go out and make one

fuck that I HAVE to know
fuck that I asked to see
fuck that I get shown
fuck that it makes clear pictures for me that no one else can really see

fuck that I then can't unknow
fuck that I get to live with it eating me until someone else gets it
fuck you that you're the first ever
and you're gone having my ideal that I've never had

fuck you because I love you so much that I forgive you without a second thought
fuck you because I love me
fuck you because I forgive me
fuck you because I love you

fuck you because thank you

fuck this is hard

Friday, December 12, 2014

Dearest Beloved Caryn, 

This is all becoming so real. I am in complete awe of the surrealism that has become our incredible life together. We are each the most beautiful being I have the honor to know.

I see the real joy in your eyes. I see them instantly retreat behind that slight cloud in moments when I acknowledge feelings of doubt, fear, or insecurity. I fear that retreat more than anything I know of. To live with less of you, of the most glorious connection with a fully open, consciously free you, being yourself without restriction, engenders dread if dwelt upon.

I love the light in your eyes, the quick turn of your lips, your tinkling laughter of your sheer joy. I love the excitement and spirit of camaraderie of our connection when you feel free to share yourself with me. I love being part of your new found joy in the discoveries of your relationship with John, with your own sexuality, with the person you feel yourself wanting to be in experiencing the freedom to be that. I love you, every part of you and I cherish being part of our life.

My greatest hope is that you continue to desire the moments when I'm sharing how I feel with you. Know that I look to you for the same, about everything you feel. The good feelings, the great feelings, the horrid ones and the scary ones, the ones that act and sound angry.. I look forward to sharing them all with you as you share them with me. The staggering depths of emotion we experience together are the thing romance attempts to describe, planting the seeds in our imagination of poignant dreamlike bonds of trust so immense they defy language. To be eternally, a part of this growth as free individuals, as human beings, as twin flames sharing a life that pushes the envelope of our ability to comprehend but never our ability to accept, is my greatest joy. Thank you for sharing life with me.

"If he's getting some nookie on the side then, high five your dad, and if he's lying about it, well then slap him" I just heard you say into the phone. A small snippet from a long conversation to be sure, but I want you always to be able to have that incredible attitude of yours, in your approach to me, to us. There's a lot more to it. Your "just love him, just love him," delivered in your beautifully genuine heartfelt voice, wells up through me like the rise of heat from a shot of good tequila, and it feels wonderful, full and warm with a side of fuzzy goodness you just don't want to stop touching. Don't ever stop, you're the most unbelievable creature, angel on fantasy with a generous dash of sexy.

I love you completely

Friday, December 5, 2014

Racism: The Grand Illusion

I've had enough.. I'm asking all of you to stop it .. please, for all of us. It's time to change our thinking.
RACISM = the most successful propaganda campaign in the history of the world
Racism is an illusion, there is only one race, one people. Human Being, nothing else has any bearing on who or what you are, how you feel in the morning, or what you prefer to eat, wear, listen to, or who you are as a person, a human being.
The color of your skin is no different than any other variation of a body. Skin is beautiful regardless of what tone it might have. Inside, we're all the exact same color, no difference whatsoever.
Yet for thousands of years, and more specifically, for the last two hundred or so, the illusion of race has been taught, fostered, implied, and educated into all of us. It's created immense separations between brothers and sisters all over the planet. It's kept us grouped together with others who are the same color as we are, and looking at others who are different as though somehow, they might be our enemies, and feeling guilty because we might somehow be theirs. It's BULLSHIT..
The first slaves in America were 100 white children sold into indentured slavery. In the beginning there were actually MORE white slaves in America than black ones. This has been conveniently forgotten in the history books.. yeah, inconvenient truth is always left out of the books, that's how propaganda works best.. teach only the parts you want known, to the children.
"In 1676, there was a huge slave rebellion in Virginia. Black and white slaves burned Jamestown to the ground. Hundreds died. The planters feared a re-occurence. Their solution was to divide the races against each other. They instilled a sense of superiority in the white slaves and degraded the black slaves. White slaves were given new rights; their masters could not whip them naked without a court order,etc. White slaves whose daily condition was no different from that of Blacks, were taught that they belonged to a superior people. The races were given different clothing. Living quarters were segregated for the first time. But the whites were still slaves."
Today the issue of race is becoming the greatest distraction in the country once again. While the People of this country should be focused on the fact that Authorities are indiscriminately killing People, and are NOT being held accountable for these crimes, everyone is instead focused on the unfairness illusion of racial discrimination that has been propagandized to such an extent that more than 99% of all people reading this will find some argument against what I have to say.
I'm going to be told how real it is. How wrong it is. How horribly some people are treated simply because of the color of their skin. I'm telling you that as long as you continue to think that way, it will simply continue. The illusion is portrayed again and again on every news station across the country. Groups stand and take sides in vain attempts to show how unjust it is. And we all continue thinking we are different than each other in some ridiculous way that somehow makes some automatically less and others automatically more. And it's bullshit.
It won't ever stop being bullshit until You and I stop seeing color as some kind of significant physical trait that separates us in any way. It doesn't.. We do

Sunday, November 16, 2014

Worth Loving

Would you fall madly, deeply in LOVE.. with yourself?

There is no one else you'll spend every single moment with, no one else who'll ALWAYS be there, with you, for you. There's no other on earth who can never leave you no matter what.. #you

So why haven't you? You want so badly to be in love, to feel the warmth and attention, the intimacy in every expression, the caress.. to be so loved that you know it like you know water is wet, to be surrounded like being submerged in the perfect tub of water at the perfect temperature.. it touches every fiber of your being and radiates into your every cell..

The madness, the longing, the deep need for intimate connection we all crave... it's right there with you right now.. it is you

If you, who knows you better than anyone ever possibly can, can't fall madly in love with you, why are you really hoping someone else can?

How could you ever expect any other being alive to love you so deeply, in every way? Who other should be able to do what you cannot, or would not? Who else can so easily love every part of you For who you really are, rather than in spite of who you really are?  How do YOU want to be loved? 


Be the love of your own life, make every moment count, #inspireyourself to new heights of #passion. #see into your own depths in stark honest transparency, and #LOVE who you discover there. #Loveallofyou unconditionally, the good parts, the bad, parts, your beautiful light and your horrific darkness.. it's all really part of you, it IS you, BE that, love that see that and love because of that..

Talk to yourself and know how loved you are as you hear your own voice. Feel how loved you are by your own touch on your own beautiful body, look deep into your own eyes and see the incredible being you are.. be afraid, allow yourself to see past your own fear and love all that you perceive

it will be the most courageous moment you can possibly imagine, and you'll love like you've never loved before.. and it will happen again and again

that's only the beginning of the most beautiful life you can imagine <3

#life #relationships

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Pandora's Box

I fall in love a little bit with anyone who shows me their open soul, who lets me in and welcomes me in return, as myself. I deeply appreciate rawness and courage. I've fallen in love this way thousands of times. It's what I do, and it's who I am. It'll happen again, I am love.

To touch your soul, to be so touched by another.. that connection is so incredible, so beyond the ability of words to describe. No other moment or connection in any context feels so sacred, so alive, so perfect and full of .. everything all at once in some way so magnificent and humongous that mostly we run from even the tiniest glimpse of it. It terrifies us with it's overwhelming feeling of absolute joy, abandon and surrender, and we fear we might lose ourselves and be destroyed were it to end. 



I had the hots for Nancy. Her sister Patty was my best friend at the time. We went to school together. But her older sister Nancy.. Whoa! she was hot. Slender and blonde with beautiful blue eyes and full red lips. We played in their basement. One day in the midst of a game of house, it got serious and Nancy kissed me and ran. I chased her and when I caught her we turned into each others face, our lips touched and our eyes closed. I opened my eyes and she was looking at me, we kissed again. Long sensuous kisses mixed with all the feeling we were able to feel, it went on and on and on.. and it happened. Our souls touched, open, raw and oddly ancient, so bare naked vulnerable, nowhere to hide, and thrust into the wide open all at once.
Wide eyed we looked at each other, not knowing what to do .. then as I reached for her, she backed away. The moment was shattered. It lay on the floor, broken like something precious had fallen and crashed into the concrete, it's pieces everywhere. None of them seemed to go together with any of the others. I knew there was nothing on earth I wanted so badly as to recapture that moment, and I've been chasing it ever since. That was 1970 and I was 9 years old.
I found it. I've found it many times and it's always been just as beautiful, just as breathtaking as it was that very first moment of recognition. It was a feeling of complete opening, of merging with another person as though there was nothing between us that wasn't known, no secret untold. It was exhilarating and frightening, it was reaching out with your foot while standing at the top of the 11 meter diving board. It was the moment of stepping off the edge and being exposed to all of my own denials, my own fears and secrets that I hide even from myself. It's instant recognition that the only way forward from here is complete surrender. It's intimacy, real true incredible intimacy, and beyond it is a doorway into a world that we crave with all of our being, that we fear with all that's within us we've never faced in the light of day.
Our entire human bias denies us entry into this space of being able to receive or exchange this gift with others. At most we contract to share it in a limited way with one other person, and here and there are tiny glimpses of it in it's most platonic form, in the depths of true love between a parent and a child, or the occasional near perfect intimacy of siblings that sometimes happens, twins are an excellent example. We fear being hurt, hurting, being responsible for the feelings of our own, or the feelings of another. We justify and expect away the most beautiful moments that can ever be experienced in physical life, simply because we aren't able to face, experience and become comfortable with such overwhelming unknown emotion, so bare and raw, so vulnerable, nothing left to hide or hide behind that is not seen, felt or tasted.
To experience another being so completely is to strip away everything.. and to think even for one second that this moment might never be repeated is too much to bear. To return to the safety of the hidden self we all carry, would be so forlornly lonely, so excruciatingly insecure, that our expectations of the sorrow keep us from ever allowing it to happen. Only within the context of the entirely platonic or the extreme romantic will we even acknowledge it's existence.  And it must be special, which we take to mean it cannot possibly exist with more than one person .. ever.

Married couples sometimes flirt with the notion and even occasionally cross the boundaries to taste the gift of each other. Single folks never, or rarely ever engage long enough or fully enough to expose themselves to it's depths. It's not safe there. The human bias is that it MUST be exclusive or that it cannot exist at all. I say we have no idea what love even is.

How can I love, truly love, anyone? Fully appreciate them as the person they are, for the glorious being they're expressing in the beauty of their life, yet never dare cross that boundary into intimacy. My god! the things that might happen?? Yes, it could carry us away for a moment and we might make love in such a way that it might shatter forever the walls of our personal prisons. We might look so deeply that we see in each other, all that we've hidden from ourselves, and be able to honor and love it in a moment of surrender that would change our life irrevocably, never to return to the comfortable space we exist in now. And it might end, our heart unable to live in the absence of that emotional high, we would feel destroyed and heartbroken, alone and forgotten, and be faced with picking up the shattered pieces of our lives in order to simply carry on as though none of that had ever happened, never willing to allow such a moment to occur ever again.
Of course, it doesn't have to be that way. We could recognize the gift for what it is, unique in all the world, attainable again and again so long as we are willing and able to make ourselves open to it. It CAN be repeated, it can happen over and over again, with the same person, with others.. the choices are ours to make, if we have the courage to make them. We have a long ways to go, much courage is needed, transparency is required, trust is an absolute necessity, and we need to learn first, to love ourselves, realize we are worthy, beautiful, unique in all of creation, and loved, so loved by ourselves first and always, that we begin to feel secure without any other particular reason to do so.
There is a gift, a gift so unique that it's like cannot be found anywhere else in all the universe. I can feel it, see it, taste it from time to time. That gift is the moment of recognition, of the incredible depths of intimacy we can have, one with any other. I've held it in my hands and looked deeply into the most sacred moments of it. I've held it to my chest and let it wash through me until there was nothing else as I opened myself to the completeness of another human being, as we became utterly transparent to each other until there was nothing left that couldn't be seen, felt or tasted.. naked has nothing to do with having or not having clothing.. it has everything to do with the transparency of your soul.
How can I fully live withholding this gift? How is it possible to never be able to feel free to step into such a moment with anyone? With everyone? How can we speak of love yet keep it in a box in the middle of the floor, and deny ourselves the chance to ever open that box that can have no limitations upon it? For that is the way of Pandora's Box.. it will always be for you, the reflection of the walls in which you keep this treasure.